The Disney Sidekicks/Henchmen Bracket - Round 1

Can you believe it’s almost 2021? It’s been a real ass of a year, and I don’t want to spend too much time reliving it all with you. But one of the few frivolous joys I’ve had in 2020 has been creating Disney-centric brackets.

We just wrapped up a very surprising bracket on the films of Touchstone and Hollywood Pictures. Congratulations, by the way, to Who Framed Roger Rabbit, our first two-bracket winner. (And if you count Bob Hoskins winning for his performance as Eddie Valiant, it’s a three-bracket victor.)

Now, it’s time for another bracket. A few months back, you voted in the Disney heroes/villains bracket. Now, it’s time for the Disney sidekicks/henchmen bracket. Take a look.

And now, I’ll take your questions. Any questions out there?

What about doing the best movies from Disney Animation or Pixar? Since you just did Touchstone and Hollywood Pictures, that is.

You’re new here, aren’t you?

Does it show?

It does. I’ve been doing brackets for nine months — dear God, nine months — and I’ve covered it all here in the Substack. I encourage you to read through the archives, but the short answer is that I’ve done everything from Disney animation to Disney songs to theme-park restaurants.

Hey, about that, you did the Disneyland restaurants already. When are we getting a Disney World bracket?

Patience, my child.

So, what’s the deal with this one then?

It’s just as it looks: you’ll vote on 64 selections for the the best Disney sidekicks and henchmen. (I suppose henchpersons or henchpeople would’ve been more appropriate, but I’ll stick with the old-fashioned term.) One half of the bracket is all sidekicks, and the other half is all henchmen.

I’m new here. Who won the heroes/villains bracket?

WALL-E from the motion picture WALL-E.

Now, is this the same as voting for Ben Burtt’s sound design/voice performance as WALL-E?

Technically not. I can’t stop you voting for or against whoever you like. But performances — to me — are part of the overall character, but not the entirety of your vote. And…I mean, I did separate brackets on live-action and voiceover performances already.

Seriously?

Nine months, my friend. Nine months of brackets.

So if it’s more than just a performer, what should I be voting on?

It can be everything from the dialogue the character has to the animation to the voice performance, to…hell, maybe you had a stuffed animal of Mushu when you were a kid and it was your favorite stuffed animal, and you have pleasant memories because of that.

Your last bracket had a pause on Thanksgiving. Are you doing the same on both Christmas and New Year’s Day?

I will for sure be pausing the bracket on Christmas Day. Jury’s out about New Year’s.

Now, let’s get into the brackets and which characters I would send to round two.

Day 1

(1) The Genie vs. (16) Mushu: I’m sure some people will get on my case for seeding Mushu so low, but come on. The Genie.

(8) Olaf vs. (9) Sven: I am sure that Olaf will win this one, but I would be perfectly fine with a carrot-loving friend who never talks compared with a chatterbox snowman. Sven.

(5) Raymond vs. (12) Louis: As you know, I love The Princess and the Frog. (New to the Substack? Hello! I love The Princess and the Frog.) But I maintain that the arc for Raymond in this movie goes well beyond “obnoxious comic relief” and takes the movie into unexpected emotional places. It’ll be Raymond for me.

(4) Timon vs. (13) Abu: Abu is very cute and sweet and charming, but I refuse to deny the power of Nathan Lane. Timon to the next round.

Day 2

(6) Pegasus vs. (11) Pumbaa: You can’t have Timon in the next round without Pumbaa.

(3) Lumiere vs. (14) Cogsworth: On one hand, I’m being a bit unfair to Cogsworth to seed him so low. On the other hand, “Be Our Guest” is — I believe the children would say — a banger. Lumiere.

(7) Maximus vs. (10) Pascal: I am not a huge fan of Tangled, but I do enjoy Maximus a lot. Pascal is…whatever. Maximus is fun.

(2) Sebastian vs. (15) Flounder: No contest. Sebastian to round two. Flounder to the dinner plate.

Day 3

(1) Jiminy Cricket vs. (16) Archimedes: Archimedes is insufferable, so he loses for that alone. And Jiminy Cricket is…well, Jiminy Cricket.

(8) Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather vs. (9) Flower: Ah yes, you’ll notice that a few of these are consolidated selections. It doesn’t always make sense — Flower and Thumper, who we’ll talk about soon, are very different characters. But the three fairies mothering Briar Rose make sense to me as a group. And they make sense in round two.

(5) Thumper vs. (12) Figaro: I like cats a lot, and Figaro gets a bum rap from Geppetto. But…I’m voting for Thumper here. I think he’s a charming character with enough spikiness to stand apart from other sidekicks. Sorry, Figaro.

(4) Timothy Q. Mouse vs. (13) Orville: It’s not just the playful idea of a mouse befriending an elephant. It’s that Timothy Q. Mouse is the only who treats Jumbo Jr. with kindness. (Remember: Dumbo is not just the title of the movie. It’s the cruel nickname given to Jumbo Jr.)

Day 4

(6) The Seven Dwarfs vs. (11) Ratty and Moley: You may argue that more than one of the dwarfs deserves their own slot here, but I say otherwise! They do get to go onto the second round in my vote, though.

(3) Baloo vs. (14) Trusty: The bare necessities move onto the next round, I wager. Baloo for me.

(7) Jaq vs. (10) Gus: You want to know something? This is a real Sophie’s Choice for me, by which I mean, I could’ve ranked these two guys together. But they get separate slots, and honestly…I’m with Jaq. I guess? I kind of dislike both of these characters, but at least Jaq already knows the score.

(2) Tinker Bell vs. (15) Little John: Baloo already got my vote. He won’t get a second one. Tinker Bell for me.

Day 5

(1) Iago vs. (16) Roscoe and DeSoto: You remember the mean dogs from Oliver & Company, right? Right? Sure you do. Iago gets my vote.

(8) Flotsam and Jetsam vs. (9) The Stabbington Brothers: As I said, I’m not a big fan of Tangled. Flotsam and Jetsam to the next round.

(5) Lawrence vs. (12) Creeper: I told you already, I love The Princess and the Frog. Lawrence moves on. The Black Cauldron’s baddie does not.

(4) Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed vs. (13) Wiggins: I love that David Ogden Stiers got to voice both the main and secondary villains in Pocahontas. I just wish I liked Wiggins more. The hyenas for me on this one.

Day 6

(6) Pleakley vs. (11) Joanna: I freely admit that I don’t love Lilo & Stitch, but I appreciate a good Kevin McDonald performance as much as anyone else, so Pleakley moves on.

(3) Kronk vs. (14) Felicia: I wager that Kronk will go far in this bracket. He gets my vote today.

(7) Pain and Panic vs. (10) Percy: Though I didn’t vote for Pegasus above, I do think Hercules is pretty funny, especially on the villainous side. Pain and Panic are stealthily some of the best henchmen characters in the Disney legacy. I’m with them.

(2) LeFou vs. (15) Wynnchel and Duncan: LeFou. I mean, come on, he’s going to lead a new Beauty and the Beast TV show!!! (I wish that was untrue.)

Day 7

(1) Smee vs. (16) Snoops: Smee is a great character. Not a huge fan of the Peter Pan adaptation, but Smee is an all-timer.

(8) King of Hearts vs. (9) Gideon: I love Pinocchio, I love that Mel Blanc was hired to voice Gideon and then they barely used any of his vocal tracks, and I love Gideon.

(5) Maleficent’s Goons vs. (12) Horace and Jasper: Few of the henchmen characters here are terrifying. Maleficent’s Goons creep me the hell out even now. I’ll send them through.

(4) Judge Doom’s Weasels vs. (13) Mr. Winkie’s Weasels: Now, listen. You may be asking yourself one of two questions. (Or maybe both.) “Josh, aren’t those two sets of weasels…the same set of weasels?” They aren’t, and believe me, I double-checked. “Josh, all of the other characters in this bracket are from in-canon Walt Disney Animation Studios films. Why include characters from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” Because I thought it would be fun. And I’m sending them through to the next round.

Day 8

(6) Sir Hiss vs. (11) Anastasia: I do believe at least one of the evil stepsisters should make it to the next round. But Terry-Thomas as Sir Hiss is one of the few joys I find in Robin Hood, so he moves on.

(3) Honest John vs. (14) Brutus and Nero: I love Pinocchio, and if Gideon goes through, so does Honest John.

(7) Huntsman vs. (10) Drizella: Like I said, one of the stepsisters should move on. Drizella.

(2) Lucifer vs. (15) Si and Am: We can talk about the fierce anti-cat agenda at Disney all we like, and we should. But I’ll be voting for Lucifer here.