The Touchstone/Hollywood Pictures Bracket -- Round 1

An early happy Thanksgiving to all of you, friends. There’s no better time than right now to start up a new bracket, in part because the Disneyland restaurants bracket has concluded. (Congratulations to Trader Sam’s Enchanted Tiki Bar, by the way.)

While I do adore the theme parks, I think we’re better off spending the holiday season talking about some movies. Some good movies, and when I say “good movies”, I mean the kind of movies that are well-liked, movies we love even now, some of which might even get awards attention.

And so I give you…the Touchstone/Hollywood Pictures bracket.

As always, I’d like to open the floor to questions. Any questions you may have.

This is a pretty wide spectrum of movies, huh?

It sure is! As I often reminded listeners during the run of Mousterpiece Cinema, the podcast I used to co-host for 8+ years, the Walt Disney Company had its hand in a lot of really intriguing, daring films. Especially in the 1990s.

I do see at least one movie you’ve included in previous brackets, though. More Roger Rabbit?

Indeed.

What if it wins another bracket?

In truth, I will be a bit surprised if Who Framed Roger Rabbit does win this bracket. But if it does…I mean, it’s a classic. Hard to argue with a great film winning a bracket like this. Also, you know what the easiest solution is to avoid a repeat victory?

Let me guess: getting out the vote for its competition?

Bingo.

You never ended up taking a day off for the restaurants bracket. What about this time, with the holiday?

So, primarily because I imagine most of you won’t be as present on Twitter Thursday, I will be taking a day off. No votes on Thanksgiving Day. But — barring other unforeseen circumstances — that should be it.

So, is this the last overall movie bracket you’re doing?

If you mean the last bracket where a movie is being voted on, as opposed to elements of a movie, then yes. If you mean the opposite, then…no.

Now, let’s get going.

Day 1

(1) The Royal Tenenbaums vs. (16) Cabin Boy: The Royal Tenenbaums is one of my ten favorite films of all time. End of discussion.

(8) Sister Act vs. (9) Summer of Sam: Spike Lee’s name comes up a lot in the bracket — he made a very distinctive quartet of films with Touchstone Pictures over the years. Summer of Sam is especially the kind of film that, when I watch it, mystifies me that it was ever released by the Walt Disney Company. But as ambitious as it is, it’s a miss for me. Sacrilegious though it may be, I’m sticking with Whoopi. For now.

(5) The Color of Money vs. (12) Shanghai Noon: Scorsese for life, friends.

(4) Enemy of the State vs. (13) Cradle Will Rock: I’m not a huge Tony Scott fan, but Enemy of the State is really entertaining. Both of these films have great ensembles, but only one is enjoyable.

Day 2

(6) Dick Tracy vs. (11) Pretty Woman: This is as much a vote for Dick Tracy as it is a vote against Pretty Woman. Garry Marshall is an undeniably influential part of American popular culture of the last 50 years, but (lukewarm take incoming) not a good filmmaker.

(3) Unbreakable vs. (14) Beaches: So, yes, this is a vote against Beaches (see above), but I also think Unbreakable is pretty damn great (if only it wasn’t for the title card at the end).

(7) Quiz Show vs. (10) The Rock: As will become evident later in this newsletter, I am not a fan of le cinema du Bay. Now, having said that, I freely acknowledge that The Rock is the best of his exorbitant action extravaganzas. And Quiz Show may boast a couple of very good performances, but…for now, at least, I give the vote to Cage and Connery.

(2) Who Framed Roger Rabbit vs. (15) Turner and Hooch: Obviously it’s Roger Rabbit. (I know, I said I don’t think this will win the overall bracket. But it’s going to win this matchup. I mean, duh.)

Day 3

(1) The Insider vs. (16) Dead Poets Society: The thing about The Insider is that it is the best Michael Mann film. The less said about its competition, the better.

(8) Keeping the Faith vs. (9) The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou: I am not a huge Steve Zissou fan, but its mix of heady ambition, clockwork-precise costuming, cinematography, and Bowie covers are more than enough to win this matchup.

(5) Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion vs. (12) Splash: While Splash is an important film in the history of the Walt Disney Company — the first Touchstone Pictures release, to the point where the studio was called Touchstone Films — it’s pretty dumb. Romy and Michele, though, is quite charming.

(4) Signs vs. (13) Mission to Mars: One of the reasons I loved talking about Touchstone and Hollywood Pictures releases on the podcast — and one reason why this bracket exists — is that it’s genuinely delightful to me how many true-blue auteurs crossed paths with the House of Mouse. Brian de Palma! A major filmmaker! Holy mackerel! But still, this one’s going to Mel, Joaquin, and all those glasses of water.

Day 4

(6) High Fidelity vs. (11) Miracle at St. Anna’s: I have a lot less love for High Fidelity than I used to, but it will still get my vote in this matchup. Better luck soon, Spike.

(3) Lincoln vs. (14) Step Up: What would you say if I said I was voting for Step Up? I can’t even keep a straight face while typing that question.

(7) Evita vs. (10) The Ladykillers: I wanted so badly to love The Ladykillers. I love the Coens, I think the gospel-heavy soundtrack is hilarious, and I have always genuinely wanted to see Tom Hanks in a nefarious role. But…yeah. (Though please note: this is as much a vote for Evita, a musical adaptation I unironically enjoy.)

(2) Kundun vs. (15) GI Jane: Kundun! Marty! I liked it!

Day 5

(1) 25th Hour vs. (16) The Help: Like I said above, better luck to Spike was coming soon. I have a sneaking suspicion 25th Hour will go far in the bracket, as it should.

(8) Tombstone vs. (9) The Horse Whisperer: If you listen carefully, you’ll hear the soundtrack to The Horse Whisperer, because the movie is still happening. It’s just that interminably long! [In Powers Boothe voice] Well…bye.

(5) War Horse vs. (12) The Village: I have been firmly on Team War Horse, and also on Team The Village Is Awful, since the movies respectively opened in theaters.

(4) Rushmore vs. (13) What About Bob?: I am not a fan of “This person’s nuts but no one else notices but me”-style stories. Rushmore it is.

Day 6

(6) Grosse Pointe Blank vs. (11) Con Air: In the battle of ‘97 Cusack, I will stick with Grosse Pointe Blank.

(3) Beloved vs. (14) What’s Love Got to Do With It: This one’s easy. Beloved.

(7) Good Morning, Vietnam vs. (10) Ruthless People: This one’s not. I don’t love either of these, and they each have very strong elements. Robin Williams is irrepressible as Adrian Cronauer; he and Bruno Kirby are, together, quite funny. But Ruthless People is like a perfectly distilled version of 80s-era greed; not brilliant, but effectively nasty and Danny DeVito is having the time of his life. I stick with the ruthless ones.

(2) Ed Wood vs. (15) Nixon: I’ll vote for Tim Burton’s best film here, and advance Mr. Wood to the next round.

Day 7

(1) The Sixth Sense vs. (16) Pearl Harbor: Boy oh boy, do I hate Pearl Harbor. Here’s a film so boring, so irretrievably dull that I fell asleep during the bombing sequence. Awful film. Make no mistake: The Sixth Sense is great! But God, Pearl Harbor. No.

(8) Father of the Bride vs. (9) The Joy Luck Club: I am not a huge fan of either of these films, but I’m going with Father of the Bride by a hair. I admire the idea of The Joy Luck Club, but the way in which the ensemble is dimensionalized doesn’t quite work for me. It’s a close one either way.

(5) 10 Things I Hate About You vs. (12) Armageddon: I hate Armageddon. I do not ironically enjoy it. I don’t think it’s fun or exciting. I like action movies. I like big, dumb shit, but not when it’s so dumb as to rub my face in its stupidity with an arrogant smirk. (And anyway, 10 Things I Hate About You is delightful.)

(4) Bridge of Spies vs. (13) Coyote Ugly: No contest. Bridge of Spies.

Day 8

(6) Crimson Tide vs. (11) He Got Game: Denzel vs. Denzel. Either way, you win, Mr. Washington! (He’s reading this Substack. Obviously.) I will give this to Crimson Tide, but He Got Game is kind of underrated.

(3) The Prestige vs. (14) The Waterboy: The Prestige, of course.

(7) Deja Vu vs. (10) Ransom: I’m going with Ransom. I love Denzel, and the idea of Deja Vu is fascinating, but it’s just kind of a mess to watch.

(2) O Brother, Where Art Thou? vs. (15) Three Men and a Baby: Remember the part in Three Men and a Baby where one of the eponymous trio tells his two friends — while he’s overseas filming a movie — that a “package” is coming to their apartment and they need to take good care of it? And it turns out that the package he’s referring to is a kilo of heroin? But the other guys think the package is the eponymous baby, and then they hand the baby to a pair of skeevy drug dealers? And this movie is on Disney+? What a piece of garbage.