The Ultimate Disney Parks Attraction Bracket -- Round One, Day Five

...and these little beauties.

A fun fact for all of you: I am writing most of these first-round newsletters a few weeks before you’re reading them. So if you ever wonder to yourself why I’m not inserting more timely references in here about summer movies or baseball (did you hear? The New York Mets chose to wait to start their season until July! That’s the only explanation I can live with!), it’s because I’m weeks behind.

But you can be streets ahead by voting in today’s matchups in the Ultimate Disney Parks Attraction bracket. Let’s go!

(2) Soarin’ over California vs. (63) The Timekeeper: I dearly miss Soarin’ over California, in no small part because I happen to never visit Disneyland when it’s brought back for a limited time as opposed to the much weaker global edition of Soarin’, which combines shiny digital filmmaking with lazy animated transitions. California for the win. Sorry, Timekeeper.

Soarin’ over California

The Timekeeper

(31) Mater’s Junkyard Jamboree vs. (34) Luigi’s Rollicking Roadsters: On one recent trip to Disneyland, I dashed off a tweet that proved more controversial than I expected.

Gang, I just hate Luigi’s Rollicking Roadsters. A slow-loading, slow-moving attraction that may only appeal to the youngest members of any family, and only if you’re very lucky. Any current attraction would beat Luigi’s. Mater’s is that attraction in this matchup. I vote for the Jamboree.

Mater’s Junkyard Jamboree

Luigi’s Rollicking Roadsters

(15) Enchanted Tiki Room (WDW) vs. (50) Turtle Talk with Crush (WDW): If I was being truly awful and had pitted Turtle Talk against the execrable version of the Enchanted Tiki Room from the late 1990s — in which the late Gilbert Gottfried voiced Iago from Aladdin as the chatty bird bullied his way into leading a new version of the Tiki Room show — the vote would be in favor of computer animation.

But as it stands, the current iteration of the Enchanted Tiki Room at Walt Disney World is close enough to the original that I must vote for it over a Cast Member’s best impression of Sean Penn in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. (I know, that’s not who Crush is, but after a while, that’s what his voice reminds me of.)

What do you think?

Enchanted Tiki Room (WDW)

Turtle Talk with Crush (WDW)

(18) Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln vs. (47) Mickey’s PhilharMagic (DCA): In some ways, these two attractions are very much alike. Both of them are reliable indoor attractions that give you about 15 to 20 minutes to sit down, relax, and avoid the heat. Both of them are quite enjoyable in their own way. And boy, I tell you, there is a not-small part of me that prefers Mickey’s PhilharMagic.

But I can only be so chaotic. At the end of the day, I will vote for Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln, if only because it would feel just a wee bit wrong to vote against Honest (AA)be.

How do you vote?

Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln

Mickey’s PhilharMagic (DCA)