The Ultimate Disney Parks Attraction Bracket -- Round One, Day Twenty-Nine

We are birds of a feather.

I want to start today’s newsletter by invoking the lead character of one of the very best films of the 2010s. Here you go.

I hope you’ve seen Inside Llewyn Davis. It’s brilliant. The Coens have not topped it since, and as they’ve apparently started making things on their own, they may never top it. Great film.

And man, I am just so goddamn tired, specifically of how social media is run by people who cannot grasp why the rest of us use social media. Do you know what I enjoyed about Twitter? Yes, sure, immediacy of breaking news stories (though less so the existentially terrifying news stories, for obvious reasons). I enjoyed posting GIFs, videos, etc., and posting goofy comments along with those pieces of media. That’s what I like.

Here are some things that Twitter, and Bluesky, and Threads (and yes, for now, I am on the latter under “mousterpiece” if you care) offer currently: a) the inability to post GIFs, b) the inability to post links to certain websites like this one, c) personal feeds that are full of ads that just keep coming up like a twisted game of Whac-a-mole, d) personal feeds that are full of influencer posts telling me how great a new tool is and how game-changing it is and how cool it is that Mark Zuckerberg has given you early access so you can get all your followers to be excited. (That last part is maybe just implicit in all the sweaty, desperate posts.)

Like I said, I’m tired. (See these tweets from last night for proof.) For now: I’m here! I’m on Twitter! And on Bluesky and on Threads, and honestly, Bluesky is the one I like the most even without the ability to post GIFs. Change that one, Jack. (By the way, I hate that I know these guys’ first names. Do you know who ran AOL back when we all used AOL Instant Messenger? Of course you don’t. I don’t like knowing these guys’ first names any more than you do.

Anyway. Something I do love is the smell of a good matchup in the morning. It smells like…chaos. (Apologies to all involved in Apocalypse Now.) I kid, of course, except…well, if you’ve followed the brackets long enough, you know that first sentence really is me living my truth.

Do we have any potentially chaotic matchups today in the first round of the Ultimate Disney Parks Attraction bracket? I doubt it, but you all might disagree. Let’s dive in!

(2) Jungle Cruise (WDW) vs. (63) Main Street Cinema: As much as I am fond of the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland, I acknowledge that the version in Orlando is a just a mite better. (If nothing else, there’s no interior temple section at Disneyland, and I love the mysterious vibes that the Magic Kingdom version offers in that specific scene.)

I think most of us can acknowledge — say, a majority of us — that in this matchup, the Jungle Cruise will reign supreme over the well-meaning but low-key Main Street Cinema. How do you vote?

Jungle Cruise (WDW)

Main Street Cinema

(31) Sailing Ship Columbia vs. (34) Gran Fiesta Tour: This one’s a toughie for me. Maybe there is a chaotic matchup today! Whether or not you all find this one difficult, here’s why it is for me. The Sailing Ship Columbia is, perhaps, a bit corny (if you ever listen to the ride narration, it can ring very goofy), but it’s more than mildly thrilling to ride around the Rivers of America on an old-fashioned ship that evokes pirate culture. (Which is no small part of why the ship is used in Fantasmic for a pirate-themed stretch.)

The Gran Fiesta Tour (starring the Three Caballeroes, of course) is a re-themed version of a low-key boat ride in the Mexico pavilion at Epcot’s World Showcase, now inserting Donald Duck, Jose Carioca, and Panchito Pistoles into a travelogue of Mexico. It’s a little too quaint, and the Audio-Animatronics don’t always…y’know…work. But I still like it well enough!

In the end, I will lean towards the Sailing Ship Columbia, but only just. How do you all vote?

Sailing Ship Columbia

Gran Fiesta Tour

(15) Festival of the Lion King vs. (50) Golden Zephyr: A very easy vote here, because the Festival of the Lion King is a joyous stage show with tons of fun character designs, puppetry, and acrobatics. And the Golden Zephyr is none of those things.

Festival of the Lion King

Golden Zephyr

(18) Slinky Dog Dash vs. (47) Goofy’s How-to Play Yard: Technically, I’ve experienced neither of these attractions. (I’ve yet to visit the redesigned Mickey’s Toontown in Disneyland, so I only know the pre-how-to version of Goofy’s play area.) But I’m going to lean with the dog. …you know, the silly dog. …no, I mean the one with a Southern accent.

Slinky Dog. That’s the one. How about for you?

Slinky Dog Dash

Goofy’s How-to Play Yard