The Ultimate Disney Parks Attraction Bracket -- Round Two, Day One

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...

Good morning, friends! I hope you had a restful weekend, and that you’re ready for the most important event of this week: the arrival of a new Mission: Impossible film in theaters on Wednesday.

Let’s talk about the second most important event of this week: this newsletter — that’s right, the one you’re reading right now! The only Disney newsletter you’ll ever need! The very same! — is introducing a paid subscription option. (The third most important event of the week relates to this bracket, and we’ll get there very soon.)

I teased this possibility last month (and was not immediately shouted down in the comments section), and now, the day has arrived. What does this mean for you? What will change? What are my thoughts on people grousing that Dead Reckoning Part One doesn’t feel like a full movie? How much will the paid subscription cost? I may answer all of these questions below!

What if I want to stay a free subscriber?

You can. As I’ve stated in the past, the brackets will remain free to everyone — you never had to pay to vote for these goofy things on Twitter, and you will not have to pay for that privilege here either.

What are the paid subscription options?

There are three paid options, and I want to note that anyone who subscribes to any of these options will get access to all of the paid posts:

• You can subscribe for $5/month to access additional posts.

• If you like, you can subscribe annually for $50/year.

• Substack offers something called the Founding subscription, which is $100 a year and gets you a) the same additional posts that monthly and other annual subscribers get, and b) my eternal gratitude for your largesse.

What will you offer to paid subscribers?

Aside from the bracket posts (again, free to all), all paying subscribers will get access to a whole slew of additional work.

• The Disney Canon: I’m doing deep dives on every film in the Walt Disney Animation Studios canon, from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs to (eventually) the upcoming Wish. The first essay is, naturally, on Snow White, and is available today.

• Out of the Disney Vault: There’s a whole lot more to Disney than their animated films, and I’m going to dive further into the Disney vault — you know, that real thing that exists beyond being a marketing ploy. But seriously, in this series, I’ll dig into everything from recent streaming theme-park explorations to cult films that never found more than a small audience of passionate fans.

• Hey, A Movie!: If the title isn’t clear, I’m going to write at length once every four weeks about each of the Muppet feature films. (Yes, including those not currently owned by/released by Disney.)

• Disney100: For at least the next year or so — again, spread out across each month — I’m going to do separate deep dives into the various hybrid films Disney has released, from The Reluctant Dragon to Who Framed Roger Rabbit to Song of the South. (Yes. Really.)

• And More: That’s not the name of the series, but there will be other essays I want to write, from reviews of shows and films that don’t have homes (such as the upcoming season of The Afterparty) to off-the-cuff commentary on recent Disney news. (The recent “Here at Disney, we’re re-releasing eight super-popular films into theaters and not even attempting to pull something from before the 1990s” thing? That’s the first topic.)

OK, fine, I’ll bite, what’s the issue with people saying Dead Reckoning Part One isn’t a full movie?

Very quickly: that is technically accurate, because…well, “Part One” is in the title. Duh. But I gotta tell you (and I will do it without spoiling anything), this feels much more like a complete film than, say, Across the Spider-Verse. (I thought that was brilliant, to note. But it ends on a Back to the Future Part II-style cliffhanger.) Just feels weird that this is the straw breaking the proverbial camel’s back.

Why isn’t the saying “the straw that breaks the camel’s hump”?

GOOD QUESTION.

Back to the topic: You have a whole lot of stuff listed above for paid subscribers. What’s the schedule look like?

Hey, good question. If you want to see my planned calendar for the rest of the year, covering what both paid and free subscribers can expect to receive, you should go to this page. It has all the answers!

For paid subscribers, the short version is that each Monday, you’ll receive a new essay in your inbox, with some also arriving on Fridays. (The Afterparty review is an example of the latter.)

So, it sure looks like your next bracket will be — could it be? — not Disney-related?

You are correct, imaginary reader. The next bracket will be all about movie musicals, and will start after Labor Day.

Does this mean no more Disney brackets?

It does not mean that at all! (Read the calendar.)

Why shift tones even for one bracket?

Fewer people vote on the brackets here — which is fine! — and most of the Disney-related brackets I have left are fairly esoteric, and I mean “fairly esoteric” for all of you. I’ve toyed with non-Disney brackets for a while, and figured that doing a bracket to determine the best movie musical would be a solid way to broaden my horizons, such as it is. I hope you enjoy it is as much as I’m enjoying setting it up!

Let’s say I am on the fence about subscribing — I like the free option but may decide to spring for it in the future. Do I get a taste of what the paid folks are getting?

I will, from time to time, take down the paywall for a post or two. Not today, but very soon. Scout’s honor.

Are we getting to the bracket today or not?

Hey, that’s the third most important event of the week! The second round of the Ultimate Disney Parks Attraction bracket begins…right now!

(1) Pirates of the Caribbean (DL) vs. (33) Disneyland Band: At some point in the bracket, it will get painful to vote for or potentially against Pirates of the Caribbean, but as we kick off the second round, it’s still pretty easy to vote for the rowdiest crew of pirates this side of the Mississippi. (Or…is it that side of the Mississippi? I don’t know.) Anyway. C’mon. Pirates for the win.

Pirates of the Caribbean (DL)

Disneyland Band

(16) Dapper Dans (DL) vs. (17) Disneyland Railroad: For me, at least, this is a bit more challenging of a vote, but only so much so. I’ll be voting here for the Disneyland Railroad, in part because when you’re tromping around a big theme park like Disneyland, it’s nice to take a load off and relax on the rails. But I can see the Dapper Dans stealing this one.

How do you vote?

Dapper Dans (DL)

Disneyland Railroad

(8) Peter Pan’s Flight (WDW) vs. (40) Mickey’s House: I look forward to voting against Peter Pan’s Flight…in the next round, perhaps. Not this time. Sorry, Mickey, but the flight of a pirate ship wins this time for me.

Peter Pan’s Flight (WDW)

Mickey’s House

(9) Na’Vi River Journey vs. (41) Enchanted Tales with Belle: It’ll be the next round when I get ready to say goodbye to Peter Pan’s Flight, right? Because I assume the Na’Vi River Journey is taking this round easily, and thus, I will be voting for the river over the pirate ship. But that’s a conversation for us to have in a few weeks. For now, let’s vote.

Na’Vi River Journey

Enchanted Tales with Belle