The Ultimate Disney Parks Attraction Bracket -- Round One, Day Twenty

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

Today’s header quote reminds me that, yes, Virginia, there is a fifth Indiana Jones movie coming out this month. (As I think I noted in a past newsletter, I’ve now seen this movie. I still can’t believe it’s a real thing! It is…OK! I found it less enervating than Crystal Skull, which is a real low bar to clear. But I don’t particularly think it’s remotely as good as any of the 80s-era films. It’s just not a complete embarrassment. And it’s less squicky than the originals. So…there’s that?)

Anyhoo, the bracket! Matchups! I have four of them today for you to vote on! You know the drill. Let’s go.

(5) Test Track vs. (60) Voyage of the Little Mermaid: I don’t love Test Track — I kind of liked it more in its John Michael Higgins era, and I am sure you all remember that John Michael Higgins of the Christopher Guest films was the ostensible lead of the pre-show at one time — but I enjoy it vastly more than the truncated stage version of The Little Mermaid that still plays in Disney’s Hollywood Studios. Another easy vote.

Test Track

Voyage of the Little Mermaid

(28) Astro Orbiter (WDW) vs. (37) Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular: I gotta go with Indy here. I like the novelty of having to take an elevator to get to the ride area for Astro Orbiter in Orlando, but the live stunt show featuring actors as Indiana Jones and Marion — and constantly acknowledging they’re playing those characters — is a great, old-fashioned ode to the movies and a stalwart of Disney’s Hollywood Studios.

How do you vote?

Astro Orbiter (WDW)

Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular

(12) Pirates of the Caribbean (WDW) vs. (53) Feathered Friends in Flight: Let’s be clear: the Walt Disney World version of Pirates of the Caribbean cannot hold a candle to the Disneyland version. I’m not here to suggest otherwise. But in this specific matchup, it takes the victory quite easily. The road will be tougher ahead.

Pirates of the Caribbean (WDW)

Feathered Friends in Flight

(21) Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin vs. (44) California Screamin’: Here, too, the matchup leans (for me) in favor of something that isn’t the best possible version of an attraction. The Orlando version of the Buzz Lightyear ride is, for me, fine, but not as good as the Anaheim version. However, I am not a great fan of California Screamin’, now best known as the Incredicoaster. (The theming on the latter is shaky, but at least it’s there.)

So for now, Buzz lives to fight another day. And just to be clear, this isn’t Buzz Lightyear the toy. This is the origin story of the human Buzz Lightyear that the toy is based on. Ahem.

Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin

California Screamin’